Self-love has taken on a new meaning, a positive connotation, that contradicts is traditional definition. My Random House Dictionary defines love and self-love. Love has twenty-eight definitions, all with the object of love outside one's self. There are just three definitions of self-love and it's not a pretty sight: "excessive regard for one's self," "conceit, vanity," "narcissism."

Has Random House lost touch with the times or have we inadvertently lost sight of an important distinction in an effort to restore health and wellbeing? To be sure, people are currently doing many wonderful things in the name of self-love. The contemporary twist on self-love inspires people to have a positive self-image, to eat right, and to exercise. As well, it has encouraged people to find the strength they need to get out of codependent, abusive relationships.

"You have to be able to love yourself if you're going to be able to love others." On the surface it sounds good. But there's a danger in forsaking the negative connotation that self-love traditionally has held. We can't spin the connotation of self-love 180( without it effecting the value of what it means to love others. Said Socrates, "The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms." The contemporary twist on self-love not only creates an oxymoron, but also a dangerous one, because it goes unrecognized for its self-contradictory character.

All the positive things that are being done in the name of self-love can be accomplished just as well, even better, if done in the name of self-respect and self-worth. The noble nature of love depends on placing the object of love outside of ourselves. By standing firm on this position we are no less effective in working to restore self-respect and self-worth when it is lost. In fact, we can be even more effective because one way of loving others is to embody these qualities, to be a positive role model for others.

Nothing restores self-respect like a healthy appreciation of the love one has for other people. What is it then that has precipitated the ironic development of a positive, yet oxymoronic, definition of self-love? The answer is twofold. First, we have been desperately trying to break the cycle of abusive co-dependant relationships. Second, we have witnessed the destructive behaviors that develop with a breakdown of community consciousness and the loss of a healthy sense of identity.

With abusive co-dependant relationships sometimes the stakes are as high as life itself. Those who suffer abuse in co-dependant relationships often feel unworthy of love and cater to a domineering partner. In reaction to such situations, the term self-love is often used as a foundation for the construction of healthy boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries is, of course, essential for stopping the pattern of abusive relationships.

Developing appreciation for the difference between turning the other cheek and participating in the perpetuation of bad behavior is the crucial issue. This distinction adequately provides for the restoration of self-respect, while preserving the value of loving those who are abusive. Those caught up in abusive relationships need to find wiser ways of loving their partners.

Complete disassociation may at times be an appropriate boundary and may be considered an act of love that simultaneously restores self-respect and a sense of self-worth. One of the difficulties in ending abusive relationships is that feelings of love exist for the abusive partner. Developing a self-interested mentality can be very difficult for the abused partner. When we speak for healthy boundaries in terms of how this loves the abuser, we work with the value of loving others. This approach ends the cycle of abuse, restores self-respect, and preserves the traditional definition of self-love.

The reinvention of self-love as an expression of self-respect and self-worth has also become a tool to re-establish a sense of community identity. Woody Allen expressed the acme of self-deprecation by stating "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." To combat a growing sense of spiritual isolation and disconnection from society we have started to speak in terms of loving ourselves.

The longing for a sense of self-worth makes a positive connotation for self-love appealing. But self-worth, like self-respect, is best secured through loving others and graciously receiving love from others. Believing that we have love for others validates our sense of being loveable. This allows us to let love in. Feeling good about ourselves and feeling good about others are opposite sides of the same coin. And having a sense of self-worth develops our sense of worth for humanity as a whole.

In our attempts to restore self-respect and self-worth, there is no need to wipe out the age-long distinction that contrasts love and self-love. Love is the greatest. It is the greatest thing we can give and the greatest thing we can receive. Self-love has become a double-edged sword. While the fore edge is being used to cut away self-deprecation, the back swing carves out a place for egocentrism.

Love is supposed to be what makes the world go 'round. If we keep aggrandizing self-love, this world is going to start spinning in the wrong direction. Words certainly need to have flexible and evolving definitions. Giving self-love a positive connotation, however, is pretty ugly, and we should not be terribly pleased about this. An exact estimate of how much damage has been done is anybody's guess to calculate. But we shouldn't need to reach for a pair of plastic glasses to see that we're beyond the definite maybe stage: self-love is a dangerous oxymoron.