So much attention has been placed upon getting in touch with our emotions(sharing our feelings openly) that the importance of emotional repression has been lost. Everyone recognizes, of course, that surgeons must not be weeping over the patients. And nobody wants a crybaby on a battlefield. But this basic principle, that emotional repression is appropriate in certain circumstances, often gets lost when it comes to intimate relationships. When a couple needs to make a decision the value of emotional control is forsaken. It is forsaken when we need it the most.

With regard to healthy emotional expression in relationships, we need to remember that it takes two. When one person opens up emotionally, the other person must create a safe space for it. Creating a safe space for emotional expression is very challenging. To create a safe space for emotional expression, one must not take the emotions of the other personally and also must not think less of the other for having the emotions. Creating a safe space for men to express emotions is especially tricky because the exhibition of emotional control in men is generally attractive to women. The ability to perform during times of stress or crisis depends on emotional control. Women wisely value this characteristic in men. But we must recognize that with this comes a greater challenge in creating a safe space for emotional expression. If the creation of a safe space for sharing emotions is not provided, then we shouldn't be surprised when intimacy disappears.

Men get criticized for being unemotional, while women get criticized for being illogical. Unfortunately, intellectual reasoning has become equated with logical reasoning. Intuitive reasoning is ill defined and under appreciated. If an under evaluation of intuition had not already been in place, the phrase "a woman's intuition" would never have been invented. But notwithstanding the elusive and rather inarticulable nature of intuitive reasoning, it is an intellectual endowment, not an emotional response.

Experience is a master teacher. And for this reason we cannot attain a full understanding of the complementary sex. (The opposite sex has such a negative connotation; the complementary sex has sex appeal.) Getting in touch with what it means to be a human being, on the other hand, provides an opportunity to glorify what the sexes have in common and to appreciate the differences. Logic, intuition, and emotions are all attributes of being human. By appreciating the role that they play in our lives, we take a giant step forward in appreciating the complementary sex.

First, let's explore the distinction between logical and intuitive reasoning. Then, emotions will be integrated into the picture.

Insights developed with logic are generally respected more for their intellectual acumen than insights gleaned through intuition. In fact, some definitions of intuition place this intellectual function outside the realm of reason. However, the value of direct perception–intuitive reasoning–is not inferior to logical reasoning. It is simply a different type of reasoning that has its own sphere of appropriate application.

What, then, gives rise to the devaluation of intuition? First, intuitive reasoning sometimes gets used in situations that call for logical reasoning. The misapplication of intuition in specific circumstances works to devaluate it generally. Second, intuition often gets confused with emotion.

Intuition is not always viewed as an emotional response. Keen intuitive insights are often spoken of as "brilliant." This reflects a degree of cultural appreciation for intuition as an intellectual process. Intuitive reasoning has a domain separate from the domain of logic. When intuition is used in its proper domain, we tend to appreciate it as an intellectual ability. Intuitive reasoning is appropriate when time is of the essence, when decisions are too close to call using logic alone, or when the need to make a decision does not require the use of logic.

Unfortunately, intuition can easily become confused with emotion. Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish the "gut feeling" of intuition from the gas caused by a burrito. Those who are familiar with the original Star Trek television series may recall how the show regularly poked fun at Mr. Spock, an alien crewmember. Mr. Spock's native culture glorified logic and shunned emotion. Because he inappropriately equated emotion with intuition, Spock would become baffled and bewildered in situations that called for quick decisions, educated guesses, or personal preferences.

The value of intuitive reasoning does suffer for having an interpersonal down side. The problem is that the cognitive process underlying intuition is inarticulable because it tends toward spontaneity. If you ask the Logician "Why?" you'll get a "Because" that is then followed by the reasoning process. When the Intuitor is confronted with "Why?" there is no stuff after the "because." Just because. Any explanation, no matter how logical, is a post facto justification, not the articulation of a reasoning process.

When we do not need to explain ourselves to anyone else, then "just because" is just fine. But when we have the time and want to reason together, then logic is the form of reasoning that can be shared. Logic gives us the opportunity to collectively scrutinize and critique our ideas and insights. Through this process, we can progressively develop common understandings that help us live in harmony with each other. Logic is a powerful, unifying force.

In common usage feelings and emotions are often taken to be the same thing. If our emotional state is happy, we are accustomed to saying that we feel happy. I want to make a distinction between feelings and emotions. Feelings are objective physical occurrences; emotions are interpretive mental states. There is a feedback loop between feelings and emotions. Emotions are meaning- and value-laden states of mind that are permitted expression in the body. Feelings are physical sensations upon which the mind places meaning and value.

Emotions can provide us with accurate insight into our current state of spiritual growth. They are reflections of the meanings and values that we actually (not idealistically) attach to life. This is equally true for the physical, mental, and spiritual facets of our lives.

On the physical level, a lack of food can create a physical pain(a feeling. But the pain is not the emotion. If one is fasting for God, the pain of hunger may engender an emotional attitude of repentance that brings forth tears of remorse. If one is starving in a prison camp, the pain of hunger may develop into a fear of death or it may arouse hatred for one’s captors. On the mental level, trying to solve a difficult math problem may cause the mind to struggle. This can result in debilitating frustration or be an exciting challenge. On the spiritual level, difficulties with others (or with life in general) may result in a wide range of emotional responses. We may become angry as a result of judging another person. We may feel sad that someone’s heart has slammed the door on love. Or we may feel joy born of the hope and trust that from such tribulation deeper friendship will develop.

Emotions are a double-edged sword. The fore edge creates an opening for us to learn something about ourselves; emotions let us know what we value and how we react to the circumstances of life. But when we're not careful to control emotion, the back edge can cut away at our logical and intuitive abilities.

Our emotions are like a political system in the sense that it is important to distinguish between the nature of the system and our analysis of whether the system is being used well. For instance, a well-run democracy could vote for the enslavement of a particular race. This does not mean that democracy is bad; it only demonstrates how a good system can be used to create a bad result. Similarly, even if we express our emotions in only healthy ways and in appropriate circumstances, this does not mean that we are instantly eligible for sainthood. The nondestructive expression of anger or fear may be better than repressing such emotions, but this doesn't mean that responding with anger and fear is a goal in life.

In order to have good government, we must strive to improve the mechanisms of government as well as the nobility of the citizenry. In order to promote our psychological wellbeing, we must express emotions in a healthy manner as well as attend to the personal enhancement of meanings and values.

Emotional expression is part of being a whole person. It is simply the way our bodies get to participate in the meanings and values that we attach to the circumstances of life. Personal growth depends upon the enhancement of meanings and loyalty to supreme values. Vigilantly working for the development of meanings and values helps us wisely direct our actions. We are lying to the world when we act in ways that are inconsistent with our values or when we refuse to take actions consistent with our values. We are lying to ourselves when we emote in ways that are inconsistent with our values or when we repress emotions that are consistent with our values.

This is not to say that unless every emotion is immediately expressed, we are being untrue to ourselves. Maturity demands that we balance the spontaneous expression of emotion with the demands of living. Emotional disengagement allows the surgeon’s hand to remain steady. Unfortunately, for a wide range of individual and cultural reasons, the mere experience of certain emotions is sometimes considered wrong. When emoting is discouraged in general or when some specific emotion becomes taboo, we lose the ability to clearly see the meanings and values that we attach to life.

Emotions have the potential to provide us with great insights into ourselves. But they are hardly a basis for making important decisions. If we're deciding what color of shirt to put on in the morning, emotions are a fine barometer. But if we're making a decision with others, especially with a significant other, then emotions are generally counterproductive. Allowing emotions to dominate a decision undermines reasoning together and is extremely destructive to relationships. Permitting emotions to influence decisions sets up a dangerous game: whoever conjures up the most extreme emotional expression wins.

What makes reaching joint decisions all the more difficult is that intuition becomes confused with emotion. And to make matters worse, the determination of when to use logic and when to use intuition is not always that simple. Intuition is useful when logic leaves us with a decision that is too close to call. But we do not always agree when that point has been reached or whose intuition should be followed.

An obvious question arises at this point. Why do we have trouble appreciating the different roles played by logic, intuition, and emotion? A Darwinian analysis unravels this mystery.

For countless generations men and women have generally taken on distinct roles within the family. Men have tended to take on provider/protector roles. Women have tended to take on caregiver/nurturer roles. These roles have a direction relationship to the function of logic, intuition, and emotion.

Being effective as a provider and protector requires farsighted and calculated thinking(logical reasoning. Logic has survival value. We should expect men generally to be more logical than women. This trait is directly related to the traditional role of men regarding the welfare of the family.

Women, on the other hand, traditionally take on a role that is particularly related to intuition. Being sensitive to the immediate needs of children is necessary for their survival. This is true both on a physical level and a psychological level. Relating to children creatively is crucial to their development. Each child is unique. Much of the day to day relationship between parent and child is based on intuition because it thrives on spontaneity and creativity. Effective mothering depends on the development of keen intuitive reasoning. The traditional roles have not only promoted different reasoning abilities, but also differences related to emotional expression. The male role requires emotional repression. Highly stressful and dangerous situations require nerves of steel. No crybabies are allowed on the battlefield; they're bad for morale. The survival value associated with emotional repression in men has long been attractive to women. For ages women have not tended to be attracted to "emotionally vulnerable" men because they don't expect that such men can be relied upon and trusted in times of crisis.

In contrast, emotional repression is not such an essential trait of motherhood. In fact, freedom of emotional expression is important in raising children. Being in touch emotionally helps mothers identify with children. Initial communications from children are fundamentally emotion-based communications. Intuitively understanding the feelings of children is a necessary and crucial part of parenting children during the tender years.

Though emotions can cloud both intuitive and logical reasoning, logical reasoning does not suffer from emotional interference as much as intuitive reasoning. This is true because logic is a form of reasoning that can be shared. The social dynamic of logic creates a stabilizing foundation for it. No matter how mad we get, no matter how much we may not want it to be true, one plus one equals two. Even if we choose to act against logic, the ability to be self-aware of this choice is present. --

Intuitive reasoning, on the other hand, being rather spontaneous by nature, does not lend itself well to the process of dissection and community scrutiny. Consequently, whether a person has let go of the emotional baggage that can cloud intuitive reasoning is not always easy to discern. But we should expect that women would have a keener sense of intuition. The freedom that women enjoy for the expression of emotion helps to ensure that pent-up emotions do not distort intuition.

Now let's put it all together. Men tend to be more logical. Logic is a good thing. It's a socializable form of reasoning that is especially helpful in the performance of provider/protector roles. Women tend to be more intuitive. Intuition is a good thing. It is especially helpful for raising children; during the tender years good explanations are not nearly so important as good interactions. Logic and intuition each have their own sphere of application and complement each other very nicely.

Men tend to be better at repressing emotions. Emotional repression is a good thing, sometimes. It's good for getting really tough jobs done. But it is an obstacle to intimacy. Emotional repression must be balanced with emotional expression. In order for this balance to occur, two things need to happen. First, there must be a man who is willing to be intimate in this way. Second, there needs to be a woman who provides a safe space for the expression of emotion. This means that the expression of the full complement of human emotions is not perceived or treated as weakness. (This is harder than it sounds.)

Women tend to be better at expressing emotions. Emotional expression is a good thing, sometimes. Emotional expression helps us stay in touch with ourselves; emotions provide valuable self-knowledge. But emotions cloud reasoning. So, emotional expression must be balanced with emotional repression. In order for this balance to occur, two things need to happen. First, there must be a woman who is willing to turn emotions off when decisions need to be made. Second a couple needs to appreciate and respect the role and limitations of intuitive reasoning.

Intuitive reasoning is, of course, not the sole province of women any more than logical reasoning is the sole province of men. Men and women should strive to develop both of these abilities. And naturally, the expression of emotions and the creation of a safe space for the expression of emotions are things for both men and women to work on. The development of a noble character requires that we learn to respectfully express and receive emotions.

Distinguishing between logic, intuition, and emotion helps us understand why the opposite sex really is the complementary sex. There is much that men and women have to learn from each other. The health and happiness of our lives and the lives of our children depend on appreciating what comes naturally to the complementary sex.