[Intoduction | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2]

Read This Introduction!

I wrote this book for people who want to create heterosexual, monogamous marriages that work. If this is something that you want in your life, this book is for you.

For the purpose of making this book more fun to write and to read, the material is presented in the form of a conversation. The conversation is between Chris (the bold font) and a couple named John (the plain font) and Mary (the italic font). Chris, John, and Mary should not be thought of as "characters." I never intended to develop them in this way. In the spirit of a Socratic dialogue, they are simply used to move through the presentation of ideas. The characters sometimes express extreme points of view in order to stimulate thought. At other times they may express ideas in terms of "black and white" in order to help define the ends of a spectrum. I found this to be a far more powerful and efficient way to get the essential insights across than to spell out all the qualifications, attenuations, and gray areas that come with real life.

John and Mary often express stereotypical points of view because stereotypes are familiar and are, therefore, an easy way to start addressing certain issues. Do not assume such stereotypes reflect my views on men and women. To do so would only leave you with a misinterpretation of me and distract you from what this material has to offer.

I know some people are tempted to look at the table of contents and start reading in areas that seem interesting to them. I strongly discourage this. In the same way we sometimes feel advertisements for movies can ruin the impact of the best scenes, similarly, you stand to lose the impact of the material if you do not read through it from the beginning.

You will notice that the Table of Contents divides the book into three sections. You will get ten times more out of reading this book if you set aside enough time to read sections in one sitting.

Thanks for taking the time to read the introduction. I know I've skipped many an introduction over the years. Now I'm wondering what I missed. Maybe I should go back and read them . . .

Maybe not.

Chapter 1: Mind Your Mind Games

When the two of you initially asked me for help, you mentioned that you're having a number of problems and that one of them is communication. Let's start with that?

It seems like our communication has gone from good to poor to practically nonexistent, Chris. I ask John questions to try to get conversations started, but what I get back ranges from one word answers to grunts.

Hey, after twelve years of marriage, I've learned to keep my mouth shut. The less said the better.

What's going on?

Whenever I express my opinion, she either bites my head off or starts balling her eyes out. She takes everything I say personally. We can't have a conversation about anything without it turning personal.

In case you've forgotten, we're married. Marriages are personal, John.

If we're discussing a new roof for the house, we need to be logical not emotional.

Excuse me for trying to save our family some money and giving your brother some work at the same time.

I've told you ten times now, Andrew is a contractor for large commercial projects. He doesn't replace residential roofs.

If he wanted to he could save us a lot of money and make a decent profit, too.

If we're going to love and respect him, we shouldn't be asking him to work outside his field of expertise. See, Chris? She's not thinking logically, she's just reacting emotionally.

I call it being human. You show no emotions. You act like emotions are a sign of weakness.

When we first got together, being unemotional impressed you.

It did not. What are you talking about?

Shortly after we met, you had an accident in your new car. And who played the part of the levelheaded hero? You were more of a wreck than the car. If I hadn't been around, you would have called your insurance company and taken it to the dealership for repairs. I calmly suggested we take it to Ed's Body Shop. He did a great job. It ended up not even costing you as much as your deductible, and you didn't even have to report it to your insurance company.

That's what I'm talking about. Emotional control is appropriate in certain circumstances. There's a difference between being cold and keeping your head when those around you are losing theirs.

Okay, I get the point. Thanks for sharing your communication problems so generously right from the start. Now let's try to take a step back from specific situations and take a look at what's really going on between the two of you.

When it comes to healthy emotional expression in relationships, we need to bear in mind that it takes two. If one person is going to open up emotionally, the other person must create a safe space for it. Without a safe space for emotions to be expressed, emotional expression becomes another problem rather than a beneficial release.

Generally, we're better of when take the time to vent first and then try to make decisions. But couples often don't develop good communication habits with this principle in mind. Women typically want to reach decisions when they're upset, and men typically don't feel safe to vent before making decisions.

It's perfectly safe for John to be emotional in front of me. I've been begging him to open up for years!

Begging him to open up emotionally doesn't mean he feels it's safe to do. You might want to ask John whether he feels safe to express his emotions in front of you.

I don't feel safe expressing much of anything in front of her anymore. At this point I just want to go to work, come home and watch the news, spend some time with my kids, and go to sleep.

In order to create a safe space for someone to express emotions, the person listening must not take what is said personally. Releasing emotions isn't about verbal communication. We often use words, of course, as a part of getting our feelings out. But Mary, you need to understand that creating a safe space for men to express certain emotions can be very tricky. There's more stigma attached to men if they express pain, despair, anger, or helplessness. Society expects more emotional control from men than from women. In fact, it's even something that most women find attractive.

John did show up like the knight-in-shining-armor quite a bit in the beginning. And it's probably fair to say that this set up some patterns in our relationship.

Yeah, those were the days. That's when I actually had some control over my own life. It was more like an equal partnership. Now if Mary doesn't get her way, I end up paying for it. It was a very subtle, yet hostile, takeover, Chris.

I don't think that's fair to say. We make decisions together.

It's my experience that if a decision doesn't go your way, you get all upset. Then the next time I walk into the bedroom it feels like I entered a walk-in freezer.

There's a person here. Monogamy is not synonymous with sex-on-demand.

I completely agree. But monogamy isn't about withholding affection so that you can get your way, either.

Okay, hold on. We all realize that when you don't agree on a decision there can be repercussions in your sex life. But maybe this has more to do with how you reach decisions than it does with what is actually decided. For instance, you might agree to trade off who picks the restaurant when you go out for dinner. That way you wouldn't have to reach consensus each time you went out.

It's not that simple.

No, it's not. I know that you have decisions to make that are a lot more complicated than picking a restaurant. And I really don't want to head us in the direction of learning how to agree to disagree just yet. For now, let's stay focused on how men and women think and communicate when they're trying to reach a decision. John, when you first got together with Mary, what was decision-making like? Were things better back then?

Yes. In fact, one of the things that impressed me about Mary at the beginning of our relationship was her sense of intuition. It still amazes me at times.

Whatever "women's intuition" is, I definitely have it.

It's frustrating because she certainly seems to be more intuitive than I am, but sometimes her intuition goes completely against logic. In the beginning of our relationship, though, she was more willing to take the time to discuss things and we would often discover the logic behind her intuitions together. Now it's like I've insulted her intelligence if I say I don't happen to agree with her gut.

Culturally, we do have an appreciate intuition as an intellectual process; keen intuitive insights are often spoken of as "brilliant."

That's what I believe, too. Intuition isn't just a feeling; it's also intellectual.

Yeah, but when you're all upset it's hard to know whether you're being intuitive or just reacting emotionally. You always think your feelings are intuition.

Intuition is difficult to define and hard to pinpoint. Whatever our brains are doing when we're thinking intuitively, it shows up as a spontaneous, direct perception. If we try to dissect it, rationalize it, or justify it, it turns into logical thinking.

When we're thinking logically and someone asks "Why?" we expect an answer that goes beyond "That's just what it seems like to me." But when we have an intuition, if we don't have to rationalize it to anyone else, we don't have to rationalize it to ourselves, either.

Logic is a form of reasoning that can be shared. When we have the time and desire to reason together, logic gives us the opportunity to collectively discuss, scrutinize, and critique our ideas and insights. Through this process, we can develop common understandings that help us live in harmony with each other. Logic is a powerful, unifying force. Intuition tends to be a more personal, integrating awareness.

When we're being logical together things go well. But we don't always share the same "intuitions." Sometimes, when Mary gets real upset about a big issue, she tries to say that just because she feels strongly about it, it's her intuition and I should agree with her. But often, she's just being illogical. That's why I get concerned about her emotional state when we're trying to reach a decision.

I don't always agree with your logic. Sometimes, what's logical to you is just one massive rationalization to me.

That's a good point. Logic requires agreement in order for it to be called logic. When people don't agree about what's logical, then it gets called a rationalization. And this is one of the differences between logic and intuition. When people don't agree on an intuition, there isn't much to talk about. But when people don't agree about what's logical there is still a lot left to discuss.

The ironic thing is that I appreciate how free Mary can be with her emotions. I know I'm not expressing all my emotions and that it doesn't feel good to hold them in. And, I've noticed that after we've vented our emotions it usually helps us come up with a decision that we can both live with. We certainly tend to agree on what's logical a lot more when Mary's not emotional and I'm not stuffing my emotions.

What is the difference between intuition and emotion anyway?

Yeah, what's the difference between a gut feeling and gas?

In general, when we have conversations, we don't tend to make a clear distinction between the physical nature of our emotions and the attitudes that we associate with the physical feelings. Emotions give us insight into our beliefs and values, while feelings actually occur in our bodies.

I don't get what you're saying, Chris.

Neither do I. Can you give us an example?

Sure. John, what tends to be your first reaction when you hit your thumb with a hammer?

I suppose I usually curse, throw down the hammer, and get pissed off.

Do you remember a time when your son unintentionally did something that caused you to get hurt physically?

Yes. About a month ago he closed the car door on my hand.

I was there. And I must say I was pretty impressed that he didn't seem angry, nor did it seem to me like he was stuffing his emotions, either.

This is the difference between emotions and feelings that I'm talking about. In both of these circumstances, John was in pain. The pain was the feeling. But his emotional state in those circumstances was different; in one situation he was angry, and in the other he was in pain and unhappy, but not angry.

As I recall, he was even laughing through the pain at times when he got his hand jammed.

What I'm suggesting is that this difference has to do with our beliefs and values-an area of life where we happen to have a lot of control and creativity. The cause of the pain was unintentional in both circumstances, but the response was different. Why?

I think it's because of the love that I have for my son. I was able to immediately get in touch with acceptance. I often talk to him about how things happen in life that are out of our control and we just need to accept them. Sometimes I have trouble taking my own good advice. It's easier to get mad at myself than it is to get mad at my son. It's easier to make myself wrong.

This attitude that something's wrong or unacceptable is what can cloud intuitive reasoning. What's wrong or unacceptable creates upset in us, and as you've already said, when someone's upset and a decision needs to be made, it's hard to trust that person's intuition. As John said earlier, when upsets are worked through, you find it easier to reach a decision.

Actually, it's not just upsets that get me suspicious about intuition. Sometimes, when Mary wants something really badly, she "just knows" it's the "right thing to do." Which isn't to say she's wrong, either. But I think any emotion or attachment to how something should be can cloud intuition.

And the emotions don't have to be around something physical. I imagine the two of you have engaged in conversations about budgeting. Sometimes this is frustrating and coming to a decision is more of an art than a science.

I have to admit, keeping all the numbers straight-what's coming in, what's going out-is frustrating to me. Nonetheless, I have very definite opinions about how we should spend our money and provide for our future. Sometimes, because I'm not as good with the numbers as John is, I feel like I my ideas get invalidated.

Money definitely comes up as one of our issues. Sometimes I find it very challenging to figure out how to forecast our financial future. But I was always good at math, so the number crunching tends to be more of a fun challenge for me than an upset.

Crunching numbers can be a strain on the brain, but you each have a different attitude about it. For Mary, math is frustrating; for you, John, it's a fun challenge. I'm sure each of you can appreciate that when an intellectual challenge is perceived as fun, it's much easier to make progress logically and for intuition to function more powerfully.

It's the same in the interpersonal and spiritual areas of life. Difficulties in our personal relationships may result in a wide range of emotional responses. We may become angry as a result of judging another person. We may feel sad that someone's heart has slammed the door on love. Or we may feel joy born of the hope and trust that from such tribulation deeper friendship will develop.

Emotions are a double-edged sword. The fore edge creates an opening for us to learn something about ourselves; emotions let us know how we really value things. Our reactions to the circumstances of life show us our true selves. But if we try to think when we need to vent, then the back edge of emotions cuts away at our logical and intuitive abilities.

I don't think I get illogical when I get emotional.

That's one person's opinion.

No matter how upset we get, one plus one will still equal two. But not everything that's logical is as clear-cut as one plus one equals two. And this takes us back to the distinction we made earlier between an agreed-upon logic and a personal rationalization.

It seems to me that someone can still be logical, even when upset. I'm not so sure intuition can work when a person's upset.

I don't think it's a question of whether someone can be intuitive when they're emotional. The point is that being emotional has the potential to distort our logical or intuitive abilities. But emotions can also enhance those capacities at times. It's just something to be aware of so we can check-in with each other and ourselves about it. The difference between logic and intuition regarding emotions is that there's at least some degree of check and balance with logic because our reasoning can be shared. Intuition can't be discussed because it's a private form of reasoning.

I think it's also important to remember that just because we're calm, it doesn't mean our intuition is correct.

That's also true about logic. Just because you and I agree that something's logical doesn't mean we've reached a good decision. There have been plenty of times when you and I agreed we were making a logical decision, but then later we took into consideration additional factors that weren't part of our first conversation. Sometimes what we think is logical at first gets changed later.

There are no guarantees. Releasing pent up emotions and taking all factors into consideration doesn't mean that we're going to be perfectly logical. Nor does it mean that our intuitive reasoning is going to be working perfectly. The process of intuitive reasoning, however, isn't something that can be shared.

So is this why emotion gets confused with intuition, because the process of intuition can't be put into words?

I think that it's an important part of the answer.

Chapter 2: Digging Up the Roots

Distinguishing between logic, intuition, and emotion is a good start. Another thing to consider is the history of male-female relations. The traditional roles that men and women have played from the beginning of human history up to the present continue to have a powerful impact on how we relate to each other today.

You mean like the provider-protector role that men have usually assumed and the caregiver-nurturer role that women have provided?

Yes.

But I feel like John and I have broken out of those to a large degree. For instance, he took a very active role in raising the children even when they were babies.

I think I know where you're going with this, Chris-that men are more logical and women are more intuitive. But that way of thinking just seems like a cop out to me. What do these traditional roles really have to do with logic, intuition, and emotion? Women are perfectly capable of being logical, and they don't have the market cornered on intuition, either. I was recently reading a business magazine that had an article on how most of the top-level executives in this country consider themselves to be very intuitive thinkers. And they consider this to be crucial to their success.

Exactly. Of course women can be logical and men can be intuitive. These are reasoning abilities that everyone is capable of developing. But that's not the whole picture, either. What I'm saying is that being effective as a provider and protector requires farsighted and calculated thinking-logical reasoning. Logic has had a special survival value for men. In other words, long ago when humanity was just getting started, a man who was very logical but not very intuitive had a better chance of survival than a man who was very intuitive but not very logical. That's why we should expect men, in general, to be more logical than women. Logic is directly related to the traditional role that men have played as provider-protectors.

Women, on the other hand, traditionally have taken on a role that is particularly related to intuition. Being sensitive to the immediate needs of an infant is necessary for a child's survival. This is true both on a physical level and a psychological level. On the physical level mothers need to know what a baby needs, and on the psychological level relating to the development of children is a very creative process. Much of the day-to-day relationship between parent and child is based on intuition because it thrives on spontaneity and creativity. A child would be better off with a mother who is very intuitive, but not very logical, than vice versa. Effective mothering depends a lot on the development of strong intuitive reasoning.

This definitely makes sense from an historical perspective.

But we've come a long way since then. What does it say about humanity if we haven't made any improvements since the Stone Age?

I'm not saying that the traditional roles are good or bad, right or wrong. This is just one way of looking at what forces have brought us here so that we can get a better handle on how to work with them. These predispositions have developed because of their survival value for the human race. If they don't serve us anymore, no doubt, some changes are going to have to be made. No matter who is taking care of young children, intuition is an especially valuable tool. And no matter who is playing a provider or protector role, logic is an especially valuable tool.

At this point I also think it will be helpful to our conversation if we start to think about how these survival-based predispositions relate to emotions. The traditional roles have not only tended to promote different reasoning abilities, but also differences related to emotional expression. The male role demands emotional control. Highly stressful and dangerous situations require nerves of steel. Crybabies aren't allowed on the battlefield; they're bad for morale.

At the beginning of our relationship, this is exactly what Mary liked about me. She had some nasty situation with her landlord when we met. It was definitely a time for cooler heads to prevail and I got to be the big hero. In the beginning, I was praised for my emotional control. Now I'm blamed for not sharing my emotions enough.

I still appreciate your ability to keep your cool in a crisis. But I don't see being levelheaded in a crisis and sharing with me how you feel as being mutually exclusive. Asking you how your day was when we're having dinner isn't a crisis situation. Sometimes you come home all wound-up after work. I don't care to have you unload those frustrations on me, but I would like you to feel comfortable to unload some of that stuff with me. I think that's part of what it means to have a partner.

If I bring my problems from work into the home, I'm afraid I'll be seen as a man who can't handle work and lets it interfere with our family life.

You don't need to be Superman to be a good husband, John. I'm sorry if I've come off that way to you. You can be a human being and still have my love and respect. And I really would like to know how your day was no matter how it went. Besides, it's not like you're going to get an Oscar for how well you hide it. So you might as well talk about it.

I understand that. But what I was getting from Chris was simply that emotional control has some value and that men, in particular, have been called upon to embody this trait. We both want me to feel free to share my emotions. But this issue of creating a safe space is key.

John, for the last eleven years I've been asking you to open up. This isn't about me. It's your responsibility to open your mouth and tell me what's going on with you when I ask.

Let's not pretend your questions aren't loaded, Mary. You're not winning any Oscars, either. If all of sudden I started to come home expressing feelings of weakness, pain, or despair, it wouldn't take long before you'd lose confidence in me as your husband. You just got done saying how my ability to be cool in a crisis attracted you to me. Now you expect me to think that showing up differently won't be a threat to the relationship.

I'm sorry if I've given you the impression that sharing some of your emotions will drive me away. But I don't believe that's the capital "T" truth. I am committed to our marriage and I believe we can find a way for you to communicate honestly and openly without feeling that it will threaten our relationship.

Let's remember that we're not going to create some magical formula for perfect communication. We're just recognizing the patterns and how they've developed. Once we do this, then we can begin to think creatively about how to preserve what has worked and develop new ways of dealing with what hasn't worked.

There's another side to this coin, as well. While emotional control has survival value for men, emotional expression has survival value for women. Freedom of emotional expression is important in raising children. Being in touch emotionally helps mothers identify with children. Initial communications from children are fundamentally emotion-based communications. Intuitively understanding the feelings of children is a necessary and crucial part of parenting children during the tender years.

To be honest, I had some concerns about raising children when they're infants because they can't tell you what's wrong. Throughout my pregnancy I was wondering how I'd know what the baby needed. Then when Michael, our first, was born, everything just clicked. I could just tell what he needed.

Admittedly, I could never tell the difference between his empty stomach cry and his filled diaper cry. And Mary could never explain it.

That's because I couldn't. It was just… intuition, I suppose.

Intuitive reasoning can't be explained. We're each on our own when it comes to our intuition. This is why it's so important to release our emotions. There's no social check and balance with intuition the way there is with logic.

Women have traditionally been allowed to express their emotions more freely. This is one reason why it's easier for women to develop a keen sense of intuition. The cultural freedom that women enjoy for expressing their emotions helps to ensure that pent-up emotions do not distort intuition.

So let me see if I've got this, Chris. What you're saying is that we swim in a cultural soup that has tended to make men more logical because it supports them in performing provider-protector roles. And women tend to be more intuitive because this is especially important in tending to the needs of the children.

And the way all this works with emotions is that emotional control has helped men respond in times of crises, and women have relied on men for this. On the other hand, the freedom of emotional expression that society allows women supports the use of their intuition. And this is especially important for raising children.

Yes. Also, let's keep in mind that the emotional control that serves men in times of crises can become an obstacle to intimacy. Emotional control must be balanced with emotional expression. To achieve this balance in a relationship, the man must be willing to share his emotions while the woman must not hold his emotions against him.

This has helped me appreciate why emotional control is important when we're trying to be logical in reaching decisions together. There isn't always going to be time to vent first. I've gotten a lot of benefit in my role from being able to express my emotions more freely. So naturally, I've wanted John to have the same benefit I've experienced.

I see why he gets frustrated when we're trying to reach a decision and I'm being emotional. I've never really said to him, "Just let me vent, and then we'll get back to being logical." But now I'm also starting to see that ultimately, when it comes to making decisions together, it's our logic not our intuition that is going to bring us to agreement, even if it is intuition that might come up with the idea we end up agreeing on.

I'm sure that if we just get better at noticing these things when they're happening, we'll do fine. We'll be able to appreciate when it's a good time to vent and when it's a good time to reason together. We need to learn how to keep the boundaries between these things clear. When we try to do both at the same time, that's when communication breaks down.

Intuitive reasoning is, of course, not the sole province of women any more than logical reasoning is the sole province of men. Men and women should strive to develop both of these abilities. Distinguishing between logic, intuition, and emotion helps us understand why "the opposite sex" is really "the complementary sex." There's so much that we can learn from each other.

Experience is a master teacher. And since we don't get to actually experience what it is to be a member of the complementary sex, we cannot hope to attain a full understanding of it. Getting in touch with what it means to be a human being, on the other hand, provides an opportunity to glorify what the sexes have in common and to appreciate the differences. Logic, intuition, and emotions are all attributes of being human. By appreciating the role that they play in our lives, we take a giant step forward in appreciating the complementary sex.